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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30121401">realizations</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/whom_ping_willow/pseuds/whom_ping_willow'>whom_ping_willow</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Aromantic Regulus Black, Asexual Regulus Black, Bisexual James Potter, Coming Out, Gen, Sexuality Crisis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:53:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,959</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30121401</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/whom_ping_willow/pseuds/whom_ping_willow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>after james and regulus kiss, both of their worlds are turned upside down as they start to realize things about themselves.</p>
<p>james has never stopped to think that he might be anything but straight. he knows he likes girls. but he can't get that kiss with regulus out of his head, and he is pretty sure it wouldn't have felt so amazing to kiss a boy if he were really as straight as he originally thought. </p>
<p>regulus has spent his whole life wondering what’s wrong with him, why he’s never had a crush and why kissing girls doesnt make him feel anything. the thought has crossed his mind that maybe he likes boys, but when he kisses james potter, the most handsome guy he knows, and it still feels like nothing, he starts to think that maybe he will never like anyone in that way.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. James</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i was unsure how to tag all this cause there isn't really any romance in this?? or like, there's some established relationship wolfstar in the background, and james and reg do kiss once, but they obvi don't get together or anything since reg is aroace in this fic.</p>
<p>anyway, i hope you enjoy. please do let me know your thoughts &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>James Potter knows he likes girls. In his mind, that has always meant he must be straight. Of course he’s straight. Whenever he sits next to Lily Evans in class, his heart flutters and he gets all useless and flustered. He has kissed girls before, and liked it. </p>
<p>But then, Regulus kissed him, and he’s pretty sure a straight guy wouldn’t have liked it as much as he did. He’s pretty sure a straight guy wouldn’t be up all night, replaying it in his head, a hopeless burning sensation is his chest. </p>
<p>Regulus kissed him. Or did he kiss Regulus? He’s a little fuzzy on those details. But crystal clear is Reg’s lips on his own, the feeling of being featherlight as everything else faded into the background, leaving only him and Regulus. </p>
<p>James sighs, pressing both hands against his eyes until he sees stars, and once again, Regulus is there, a crystal clear image of soft lips and silky black hair that James messed up with his hands as they kissed. Just as he isn’t sure who initiated the kiss, it’s also a bit unclear to him who broke it off. Only that he had been absolutely speechless, staring into Regulus’s eyes for a hint that he had felt what James had felt during that kiss. Then Regulus had muttered some obvious excuse about a curfew and he had been off, leaving James with a warm, confusing feeling bubbling in his stomach. </p>
<p>Regulus is practically family to James. When Sirius ran away from home, Regulus stayed, and for over a year they didn’t talk. Reg avoided him at school. James remembers how hard that was on Sirius. But now, things are good between them. Reg comes over almost every day, without his parents knowing. He’s almost as much a part of the family as Sirius.</p>
<p>It hadn’t occurred to James, before today, that the way he feels about Regulus, the soft affection that makes his cheeks warm, could be anything other than platonic. But that bloody <em>kiss</em>...</p>
<p>James slides out of bed and gets dressed, careful not to wake Sirius, who sleeps in the top bunk. There’s one place he goes when he needs to clear his head. He tiptoes over to the window and opens it as quietly as he possibly can, glancing over his shoulder to check that Sirius is still asleep. He seems to be, so James slides out of the window and onto the roof. He sits down, careful not to step on the loose shingle. His mum doesn’t want him or Sirius to go onto the roof, of fear that they will fall down, but they do it anyway, because there really is no better place to just… sit and be. He looks down onto the street below him, the streetlights the only thing shining through the night. A cool breeze caresses his face, tugs at a rogue strand of hair. James closes his eyes. </p>
<p>There’s no way he isn’t straight. He has spent years watching Sirius and Remus pine after each other like idiots, and the past six months watching them be all gross and lovebird-y. And if he is… anything other than straight, wouldn’t he have realized sooner? He remembers asking Sirius, after his coming out, when he realized he was gay. Sirius had told him that, in a way, he had always known, but he had fully realized it by the time he was 12. For Remus, it was when he was 14, and similarly to Sirius, he had sort of half-known for years before that. </p>
<p>James had never questioned his sexuality before. Surely if he wasn’t straight, the thought would have occurred to him sooner, and not just after kissing a boy. A very, very pretty boy with very soft, kissable lips, who hadn’t left James’s mind ever since. </p>
<p>He sighs, leaning back his head and looking up at the sky, as though some God, if there really is one, is going to come down and give him all the answers.</p>
<p>“Oi.”</p>
<p>James starts and looks over his shoulder. Sirius is leaning against the window sill, squinting up at him. He’s wearing boxers and one of Remus’s t-shirts, which is slightly baggy on him. </p>
<p>“Oh,” James says, his voice a little hoarse. “I didn’t hear you get up.” </p>
<p>“What kind of 2 AM crisis are you having up here, and why didn’t you invite me?” Sirius asks. </p>
<p>James huffs a nervous laugh. “I…” he begins, but trails off, not knowing where to even start. </p>
<p>Sirius heaves himself up, crawling through the window and out onto the roof besides James, and James can’t help but worry that he will catch a cold, sitting out here with bare arms and legs. “Come on, spill the beans, Potter,” Sirius says, nudging their shoulders together.</p>
<p>“Sirius…” James looks down at his hands, nervously fidgeting. “You always say that your gaydar is flawless.” </p>
<p>“Uh-huh,” Sirius says. “And I have yet to be proven wrong on that.” </p>
<p>“Well, d’you think… could I be… anything other than straight?” He’s too nervous to look at Sirius, so he keeps his eyes on his own hands. </p>
<p>“Oh. It’s <em>that</em> kind of crisis,” Sirius says. James’s eyes dart up to meet Sirius’s. He’s leaning back a little, looking at James with thoughtful consideration. “I mean…” he begins. “I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.”</p>
<p>James blinks, a little perplexed. “Really?” He had expected Sirius to laugh and tell him how ridiculous that was. That James was the straightest person he knew. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” Sirius just says, tilting his head back to look at the sky. It’s cloudy. Almost no stars. “I mean, I’ve caught you staring weirdly at guys several times. And you always used to get flustered around the older teammates when you first joined the football team.” </p>
<p>“Well,” James says hurriedly. “That was because, you know… They were older and so much more experienced and…” <em>Really fucking handsome</em>. He sighs, dropping his face into his hands. “I’m honestly so confused.”</p>
<p>“What exactly sparked this sudden confusion?” Sirius asks. “You’ve always seemed rather confident in your supposed heterosexuality.” </p>
<p>James pushes up his glasses, which had been falling down the bridge of his nose. He hesitates, carefully watching Sirius. When it comes to his brother, Sirius is incredibly protective, and James isn’t entirely convinced he won’t get pushed off the roof for telling the truth. </p>
<p>“I kissed Regulus,” he says finally, deciding that Sirius <em>probably</em> won’t push him off the roof. </p>
<p>A beat. “<em> What </em>?”</p>
<p>James swallows nervously. “I… kissed your brother. Or maybe he kissed me. A kiss happened, between me and your brother.” He watches Sirius for several agonizing seconds. “Please, don’t be mad.”</p>
<p>“I’m not… mad,” Sirius says. “If you were anyone else, I probably would be grabbing you by your shirt collar and threatening your life right now, but… You’re James Potter. I’d trust you with my bloody life.” </p>
<p>James releases a breath of relief. “Right,” he mutters. “Thank you, Sirius.” </p>
<p>There’s a stretch of silence between them, which Sirius is the one to break. “So… you kissed Reg,” he reiterates. “And you liked it?” </p>
<p>The kiss forces its way back into James’s mind, and he lets out a strange sound between a sigh and a groan. “I… think so,” he says. “I mean, whenever I think about it, I get this warm, bubbly, <em>incredible</em> feeling in my chest, and… Well, I can’t stop thinking about it.”</p>
<p>Sirius grins, shaking his head in amusement. “Yeah,” he says. “Doesn’t sound very straight to me.” </p>
<p>Well, yeah. James knows he’s right, but he can’t quite wrap his head around it. </p>
<p>“It’s just,” he says quietly. “I definitely like girls. I’ve always <em>known</em> I like girls. I mean, for goodness’s sake, I’ve been crushing on Lily for <em>years</em>.”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Sirius nods. “But that doesn’t automatically make you straight, J. You can like girls <em>and</em> guys, you know.”</p>
<p>“I know…”</p>
<p>Sirius covers his mouth, stifling a yawn. “I think you should talk to Re about this,” he says. “I mean, he’s the expert, really. Like… A Bisexual Messiah or something.” </p>
<p>That earns him a laugh from James. “Yeah, he is, isn’t he? You’re right. I’ll… talk to him tomorrow, probably.”</p>
<p>“Lovely,” Sirius says. “Can we <em>please</em> go back inside now? I’m freezing my bloody ass off.” </p>
<p>“You could’ve put on some trousers and a jumper, you moron!” James scolds him, and Sirius shoves him gently. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Babe,” Sirius says over lunch the next day, taking Remus’s hand in his own. They share a disgustingly sweet look. “I think James had something he wanted to talk to you about.”</p>
<p>Remus looks at him, chewing a bit of his sandwich. He swallows. “Oh?”</p>
<p>“Er...” James looks around the crowded school cafeteria. “Can we talk somewhere more private, maybe?”</p>
<p>Peter looks up from his lunch. “What’s it about?” he asks James.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” James says, a bit too fast. “There’s just something I wanted to ask Re. It’s nothing interesting, don’t worry, Pete.” </p>
<p>“Then why do you need to go somewhere private?” Peter presses on. </p>
<p>Sirius opens a canned soda, looking around to check that no teachers are close by. Every day at lunch, he plays the same game of “Can I drink my soda before a teacher confiscates it?” Most days he’s not quick enough to actually finish it, but it doesn’t stop him from trying. “Damn, Petey,” he says. “Maybe it’s none of your fucking business. Shut up and eat.”</p>
<p>If someone else talked to Peter like that, they would probably end up with Sirius’s fist in their face, but apparently, it’s fine when Sirius does it himself. </p>
<p>Remus takes another bite of his sandwich, before putting it down. “Well,” he says to James. “We can go find an empty classroom if you’d like.” He looks intrigued, and James guesses Sirius hasn’t told him anything yet. </p>
<p>“Yeah, that’d be great,” James says, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. It was one thing, telling Sirius last night. He has always told Sirius everything, and there’s something about that spot on the roof that makes late-night talks feel… almost sacred. Telling Remus will be a bit more daunting. But he follows Remus out of the cafeteria and into an empty classroom, anyway. </p>
<p>“So,” Remus says, shutting the door behind them. “What did you wanna talk about?”</p>
<p>James realizes he probably should’ve thought this through beforehand. He has no clue what to say. “Well,” he begins awkwardly. “You’re bi.” </p>
<p>For a few long seconds, Remus just looks at him, confused. “Yes?” he says. “I… know?” </p>
<p>James sighs, leaning back against the teacher’s desk. He combs a hand through his hair, messing it up at the back. “Yeah, it’s just that, er… I think I might be bi, too?” He looks up for Remus’s reaction. </p>
<p>“Oh!” Remus says. “But you aren’t sure, or…?”</p>
<p>“I don’t <em>know</em>,” James mumbles. “I’m bloody confused. And Siri said I should talk to you because you’re like… <em>The Bisexual Messiah</em>. I think that’s how he phrased it.” </p>
<p>Remus grins. “The Bisexual Messiah? Huh. I should get that on a t-shirt.” James must look quite miserable, because Remus clears his throat, looking a bit more serious. “So you’re questioning if you might be bi?” he asks softly.</p>
<p>James nods. “I kissed… s<em>omeone</em>,” he says. “A guy. It was Reg, actually.” </p>
<p>Remus arches an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything, so James goes on:</p>
<p>“And it felt really, <em>really</em> good. I practically haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. But I’ve just always thought of myself as, you know, completely straight. But, well, as Sirius pointed out to me yesterday, there’s not really anything straight about the way I felt when I kissed him.” He bites his lip, looking up at Remus. </p>
<p>“Right,” Remus says thoughtfully. “What exactly did you need me for? Sounds like you’ve got it figured out alright.”</p>
<p>“I have?” James asks in bewilderment. </p>
<p>Remus chuckles. “Okay, maybe not, then,” he says. “I just meant, you know… You’ve known for a long while that you liked girls. And now, after kissing Reg, you’ve realized that you like guys too, right?”</p>
<p><em>Does</em> he like guys? James lets his mind wander, filtering through memories he didn’t realize he had archived. A gym locker room, all of them sweaty after football practice. One of the older students, shirtless, slinging an arm around James and telling him he played well, and James getting light-headed and flustered. He had told himself it just felt good to be acknowledged by an older, more skillful teammate, but looking back on it, it was possible that some of the heat rushing to his cheeks had been because of their bare skin touching. And then there were the dreams, which he had dismissed as not meaning anything, but… Perhaps dreaming about kissing boys <em>did</em> mean something. </p>
<p>“Huh,” he says finally. “I’m… lowkey stupid.”</p>
<p>“Don’t say that.”</p>
<p>“I’ve somehow managed to ignore loads of signs that I wasn’t straight. And I didn’t even realize it before now!”</p>
<p>Remus’s face softens. “Jem, that’s… completely normal. I think a lot of queer people at some point look back and wonder how they didn’t realize sooner. I certainly did.” </p>
<p>“Oh.” James laughs breathily. “Well… Shit. This is interesting.” </p>
<p>Remus laughs with him. “You know,” he says. “You can take as much time as you need to figure all of this out. And if you have any more questions, I’m here.” </p>
<p>“Thank you, Re,” he says. “But… I don’t think it’s necessary.” </p>
<p>“Oh, okay.” </p>
<p>James lets the silence stretch for a moment. His palms are sweating a little, and he wipes them on his trousers. “So, er… Can I tell you something?”</p>
<p>Remus smiles a little. “Yeah.”</p>
<p>“I’m bisexual,” James tells him, and… wow. Saying it out loud feels incredible, like a weight he didn’t know he was carrying being lifted off his shoulders. He grins. </p>
<p>Remus nods, grinning back at him. “That’s great, James, thank you for telling me!” Then, after a short pause: “Have you talked to Regulus?”</p>
<p>The mention of him brings the memory of the kiss back in full effect, and James can feel his cheeks heat up. He’s grateful that his darker skin makes it almost impossible to tell when he’s blushing, though he guesses Remus still senses it. “Not since he practically fled yesterday, after we… you know.” </p>
<p>“Ah,” Remus says. “Well… Maybe you should. Talk to him, I mean.” </p>
<p>James sighs, ruffling his hair with one hand. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “Yeah, you’re right.”</p>
<p>“I usually am,” Remus says with a grin. “That reminds me, Siri owes me ten pounds.” </p>
<p>“<em>What</em>? You and Sirius had a bet running on <em>my sexuality</em>?” James asks, slightly indignant, but more curious than anything. </p>
<p>Remus shrugs. “Well, no. We had a bet running on whether you would realize before we graduated. And you did!” He throws his hands up in a little gesture of victory, and James groans. </p>
<p>“You’re the worst,” he says. “You’re both the bloody worst.” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Regulus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Regulus Black knows he doesn’t like girls. He wishes he did. It would make everything so much easier. But at some point, you have to accept that maybe you aren’t just a late bloomer. Maybe it isn’t just that you “haven’t found the right girl yet”. Maybe it’s just who you are. </p>
<p>Aside from knowing he definitely doesn’t like girls, though, it’s all very confusing. It seemed like a logical conclusion that if he doesn’t like girls, he must like boys. </p>
<p>But then, James Potter kissed him, and he’s pretty sure that if he were gay, it would’ve felt… special. Or it would’ve felt like anything at all. But rather, it felt exactly the same as kissing girls: uncomfortably and wetly smashing your mouths together. He didn’t say any of this to James. He didn’t say anything, actually, just left with what he knows was a terribly transparent excuse. Now, he’s in his room, sitting on the floor and staring out of the window at the few stars visible through the clouds.  </p>
<p>Is there something wrong with him? The question has been echoing in his mind since the kiss. Well, really, it’s been there long before, but he has managed to ignore it well enough before today. It was easy to push it to the back of his mind, and tell himself that he would figure it out eventually and it didn’t really matter.</p>
<p>But… He kissed James. James Potter, the guy who half the girls - and several guys - are utterly enamoured by. James Potter, who is objectively very handsome. And surely, if he were gay, kissing him would’ve felt… good? How is kissing supposed to feel? Regulus has tried it a few times by now, and it has never been the enjoyable experience that people make it out to be. </p>
<p>He is typing the words into google before he even registers having taken his phone out. <em>Is kissing supposed to feel good</em>?</p>
<p>Most of the search results are clinical, detached articles, explaining the biological and social reasons as to why humans like kissing. Until he stumbles upon a blog post on one of those ask-and-answer forums.</p>
<p>Anonymous: <em> need advice!! my friends are constantly going on about their crushes and the people they’ve been with, how much they love kissing, all that stuff. and i just can’t relate at all. i’ve kissed a few boys, and once a girl too, and i don’t understand the hype at all? i’ve never really had a crush on anyone either, i think. all that kissing and dating and sex stuff just seem like a waste of time to me. is there something wrong with me? am i broken or something? </em></p>
<p>Regulus’s heart stutters as he reads the post through. He… relates to most of it. <em>Is there something wrong with me?</em> It’s the same question that’s been ringing loud and clear through his head since the kiss. </p>
<p>The comments are mostly stuff like “<em> just wait til you’re older </em> ” and “ <em> you’ll get it when you meet the right person </em>”, and Reg feels his stomach sink. Is that really it? He’s supposed to sit around and wait for “the right person” to come into his life and… <em>fix</em> him? He thinks about James again. James, who is kind and funny and one of his favourite people in the entire world. But kissing him didn’t feel right. It hasn’t felt right with anyone. </p>
<p>But then his eyes catch on another comment on the person’s post: <em> you should look into the terms asexual and aromantic. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with you or that you are broken, but if you don’t have an interest in romance/sex it could be because you’re ace and/or aro. </em></p>
<p>Asexual and aromantic. Regulus googles both terms, spends hours reading through articles and blog posts and people sharing their experiences, and for the first time in his life he feels… seen. He hadn’t realized how lonely he felt, before discovering that he <em> isn’t </em>alone. </p>
<p>It’s a lot to take in. A lot of thoughts and questions and answers swirling in Regulus’s head. He really, really wants to talk to someone about all of this. But first of all, it’s 3 AM. Secondly, who? </p>
<p>James is… kinda the whole reason he’s having this sexuality crisis to begin with. He is certain he would’ve figured it out anyway at some point, but it’s thanks to James that he is up in the middle of the night, buried in research about his own identity. He doesn’t think he can talk to James about all this. At least not yet. </p>
<p>Then there’s Sirius. Regulus doesn’t know if he would understand. He feels some of that familiar loneliness creep up on him again. He and Sirius are finally close again. After years of division and hurt and pretending the other doesn’t exist, they have a relationship that’s actually <em>good</em>, and Regulus doesn’t want to ruin it. What if Sirius doesn’t understand or doesn’t accept him? He can’t lose his brother again. He doesn’t have anyone else. </p>
<p>Should he just… not tell anyone, then? Perhaps that is best, at least for now, he thinks. If no one knows, no one can judge him for it or tell him that it’s wrong or that his experiences aren’t real. He nods to himself, settling back into bed. It’s better if no one knows. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Regulus doesn’t get any sleep that night. Not that he really expected to. He spends the next day dozing off in class and avoiding James. Both are working out great for him until he starts awake, feeling a gentle hand on his shoulder. </p>
<p>He sits up straight on his chair and squints as he looks around. The classroom is empty, except for him and-</p>
<p>“Sorry, did I wake you?” James asks. He's standing beside Regulus’s desk, looking down at him with something like concern. </p>
<p>“S’fine,” Regulus mumbles, stifling a yawn.</p>
<p>James sits on top of the desk next to Regulus’s. “You look tired,” he says. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>Regulus still doesn’t know how to react to people showing him genuine concern. It’s not something he’s really used to. “I’m <em> fine </em>,” he says, perhaps a bit too forcefully. He stands up, almost knocking over his chair in the process, and starts quickly packing up his things. </p>
<p>“Hey, uh,” James says, nervously messing up his hair in that way he does. “There’s something we should probably talk about.” </p>
<p><em>The kiss</em>. Reg was desperately hoping James would pretend it never happened. He slings his bag over one shoulder and starts towards the door. “I’m sorta in a rush.” </p>
<p>James stands up. “Reg, please,” he says. “I… I really need to talk to you about it. <em>Please</em>.”</p>
<p>Regulus sighs, but stops in the doorway. “We don’t have to,” he says in an almost pleading tone, turning around to face James. “It doesn’t matter.” </p>
<p>“You don’t understand.” James looks at him with big doe eyes. “Reg, it matters to <em> me </em>.”</p>
<p>He regards James for a while, before nodding, signalling for him to say whatever it is he wants to say. </p>
<p>James takes a deep breath. “So, er… The thing about the kiss,” he begins, fidgeting nervously with the strap of his bag. “It sorta… made me realize something? About myself?” </p>
<p>Regulus has never seen him this nervous. He waits in silence for him to go on.</p>
<p>“Shit,” James mumbles, rubbing his face with his hands. “I feel like I’ve rehearsed this conversation all day, but now I just, like… Have no idea what to say.” He takes another deep breath. “Screw it, I’m just gonna say it, okay? I really fucking liked that kiss and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and also I’m bisexual.” It comes out as a quick string of words with no pause for James to breathe - or for Reg to interrupt him. </p>
<p>James looks at him; nervous, expectant, awaiting. But Regulus really doesn’t know what to say. He feels a tight knot in his stomach. “Oh,” he finally manages. </p>
<p>“Ah, shit,” James says frantically. “That’s right, there was something else I was gonna say, something important. I, er… I completely get it if you don’t feel the same way. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship, because I really care about you and I don’t wanna lose you. I just… really needed to get this off my chest.” </p>
<p>He sounds so genuine. Of course he does, Reg thinks and feels stupid. When has James ever been anything but genuine, honest and loyal? When has he ever judged Reg or turned his back on him for anything? James knows him better than he allows most people to, and if there’s anyone Reg can talk to about this, it’s him. </p>
<p>“There’s something I need to get off my chest too,” Regulus says quietly.</p>
<p>James’s eyes widen. “Oh? What is it?”</p>
<p>Reg sets down his bag and goes to sit by the desk opposite James. He doesn’t look at him as he starts talking. “I’m aroace. I don’t experience… that kind of attraction. Romantic or sexual. It’s… not exactly that the kiss made me realize it. Or maybe it did. But I kinda already knew. I just… wasn’t ready to admit it to myself, I suppose? Also I didn’t really know the word for it. But… yeah, that’s who I am and I can’t do anything to change that, just as you can’t change the fact that you’re bi, so… I hope you won’t hate me now.” </p>
<p>When James stays quiet, Regulus forces himself to look up. James is looking at him with an unreadable expression, and Reg’s stomach drops. This was a terrible idea. He should’ve known he couldn’t tell anyone. He has ruined everything. James opens his mouth but before he can say anything, Reg has pushed out his chair and is walking toward the door with swift steps. </p>
<p>“Nevermind,” he says, ignoring the stinging of tears in his eyes. </p>
<p>“Reg, wait!”</p>
<p>“Forget everything I just said.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>James finds him rather quickly, at the area behind the school that’s nearly hidden with shrubs. It’s where he comes when he needs to be alone, and he knows it’s also where Sirius comes to smoke.</p>
<p>Regulus is sitting on the ground with his back against a tree trunk, not caring if his clothes get dirty. James sits down about a meter away from him, but doesn’t speak, so Regulus is the one to break the silence:</p>
<p>“Are you upset because of my sexuality or because I don’t have feelings for you?” he asks. His voice is harsher than he meant it to be, but at least it’s not shaking. </p>
<p>James draws in a sharp breath, turning to face him. “I’m not upset at all!” he exclaims. “What on earth gave you that idea?” </p>
<p>He’s… <em>not</em> upset? Regulus clears his throat. “Well,” he mumbles. “You didn’t say anything.” </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” James says earnestly. “I didn’t really know what to say. And you didn’t exactly give me a lot of time to think before you stormed off.” </p>
<p>Now Reg feels like <em> he’s </em>the one who should apologize. He doesn’t, though. Just stares straight ahead at the shrubs surrounding them. </p>
<p>“I’m really sorry I made you feel this way, Reg,” James says softly. “I promise I’m not upset. I care about you. A lot. And I, er… I may not know that much about this stuff, but I’m gonna do research on it so I can support you the best I can, because I care about-” He cuts himself off. “No, wait, I already said that part,” he mumbles, laughing nervously.</p>
<p>Reg smiles at him. “You hate doing research,” he says. “You avoid it like the plague.” </p>
<p>James laughs again. “Shut up, you wanker,” he says, shoving him gently. “This is different!”</p>
<p>He scoots a bit closer, putting his hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “But really,” he says, his tone more serious now. “I support you one hundred percent. You’ll always be family to me. So if you want, we can just forget all about that kiss.” </p>
<p>“But…” Reg looks up at him. “The kiss <em>did</em> mean something to you, didn’t it?” </p>
<p>James considers this for a moment. “I mean… it was a good kiss. And it did sorta… force me to come to terms with my sexuality. But what <em>really</em> means something to me is you, Reg, and our friendship. I don’t wanna lose that, ever. So… do I maybe have a teeny tiny crush on you? Yeah, I think I might, but it’s honestly no big deal. It won’t change anything between us, I promise.” </p>
<p>He holds out his pinky finger, and it takes Regulus several moments to realize what he’s doing. He holds up his own pinky and laces it with James’s.</p>
<p>“I just realized, I’m kind of an asshole,” he says after a bit. “I practically dismissed <em> your </em>coming out because I was so worried about my own.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” James chuckles. “Mate, don’t worry about it. I completely understand.” </p>
<p>“If you want, you can tell me again and I will try to react better,” Reg offers.</p>
<p>James shakes his head, amused. “I… alright,” he says, grinning. “Regulus?”</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>“I’m bisexual.” </p>
<p>Reg smiles at him. “Oh, okay!” he says, acting as though it’s the first he’s hearing of this. “That’s lovely. I’m very happy for you. And… obviously, I support you, and I care about you a lot, too.” </p>
<p>James’s grin grows wider. “Thank you,” he says. </p>
<p>They sit quietly for a while, before James speaks again: </p>
<p>“Do you wanna come over today? Mum is making pancakes for dessert. And we can play Mario Kart.” </p>
<p>Regulus groans, but can’t quite suppress a smile. “Ugh, I don’t wanna play Mario Kart against you. You always win. I swear you’re cheating, somehow.” </p>
<p>“<em>How</em> would I cheat at Mario Kart?” James asks with a laugh.</p>
<p>Reg shrugs, crossing his arms. “I don’t know, but I don’t wanna play with you either way.” </p>
<p>“Okay, well… You can play against Sirius? Or you two can team up and try to beat me together,” James suggests, nudging his shoulder. “Come on, it’ll be fun. And <em>pancakes</em>.” </p>
<p>“Fine,” Reg says, as if he wasn’t going to say yes from the beginning. “But only because of the pancakes.”</p>
<p>James nods solemnly. “That’s fair,” he says, and Reg tries not to smile like an idiot, but it’s hard not to because at least for now, all of the worries and doubts swirling in his chest have been driven away by a warm, relieved feeling. </p>
<p>“James?” he says. </p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>He doesn’t actually know what to say, so he just wraps his arms around James and pulls him into a hug. James hugs him back tightly, and Regulus feels incredibly lucky to have a friend like him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it. i did my best to try and capture both of these queer experiences. of course, everyone's experience is going to be different, but i do hope some of you were able to see yourselves in James and Regulus's stories &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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